Will I ever forgive myself?

Maybe I deserve this darkness. Maybe I deserve this pain, this emptiness, and everything I’m putting myself through mentally. I haven’t been able to get my daughters home yet, and because of that, I can’t protect them from so far away. The thought that they might feel like I’ve abandoned them, like I don’t care, or that I’m not fighting for them breaks me even more.

I feel like I’ve failed them in the worst way, and maybe this pain is my punishment. Maybe I deserve every bit of it for not being able to fix this, for not being able to bring them back where they belong—with me.

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself. This pain, this darkness, and this emptiness have become my new normal, and honestly, I feel like I totally deserve it. My heart aches in ways I can’t describe, and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. I just hope my daughters know I love them more than anything in this world, even if I feel like I don’t deserve them.