Why do I keep going back?

Why Do I Keep Going Back?

There are nights I lie awake asking myself the same question over and over: why do I keep putting myself in situations I know will end badly? Why do I keep going back to someone who has proven, time and time again, that he will never change?  

It’s not just the arguments. It’s not just the disrespect. It’s the way he hurts me—mentally, physically—and then flips the script, playing the victim. He finds justification for the things he does, while I’m left carrying the weight of his actions. And somehow, I still find myself drawn back.  

When I’m not with him, I think about him. I worry about him. I wonder if he’s okay. And when I am with him, I cater to him—pouring myself out, giving, bending, trying to meet his needs. But he doesn’t do the same for me. Sometimes he tries in his own way, but my mind is always on defense. The scars of the past make me suspicious of even the smallest kindness, because I’ve learned that there’s usually a motive behind it.  

The truth is, I need to stop. I need to break free before he destroys me completely.  

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Yesterday’s Breaking Point

Yesterday was supposed to be simple. I told him ahead of time that I had to leave for a few hours—to meet with my sponsor and complete an assessment for a housing voucher. Something that could give me stability, my own place, a chance to stop bouncing between couches and chaos. He said he was fine with it.  

But when I let him know I was on my way back, all hell broke loose.  

Suddenly, I was selfish. I hadn’t spent his whole day off with him. He told me to get my things and get out of his life. He threatened to keep my belongings, then changed his mind. When I went to collect them, he shut himself in his room—door closed, silence heavy. I left quietly.  

And then this morning, he told me to die.  

Do you know what that does to a person’s mind? To hear those words from someone you’ve given so much of yourself to? It’s insane. It’s breaking me down piece by piece.  

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The Cycle of Attachment

I know the sex is good—maybe too good. Maybe that’s part of the trap. But sex isn’t enough to justify being disrespected, degraded, and discarded. It isn’t enough to excuse the way he treats me.  

So why do I allow it? Why do I keep going back?  

The answer is complicated. It’s attachment. It’s trauma. It’s the twisted comfort of the familiar, even when the familiar is toxic. It’s the hope that maybe this time will be different, even though history keeps proving otherwise.  

There’s a part of me that believes he has a sex addiction, that the intensity of our connection is rooted in something unhealthy. And yet, I’ve let that intensity convince me it’s worth the pain. But it’s not.  

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Choosing Myself

I’m writing this because I need to see it in black and white. I need to remind myself that no amount of passion, no amount of “trying in his own way,” can make up for the damage he’s done.  

I need to choose myself. I need to break free before he kills me—whether that’s physically, mentally, or spiritually.  

Because the truth is, I deserve more. I deserve respect. I deserve peace. I deserve love that doesn’t come with conditions, manipulation, or cruelty.  

And the first step is admitting that I’ve been stuck in this cycle. The next step is breaking it.  

To Anyone Reading This

If you’ve ever found yourself in a cycle like mine—going back to someone who breaks you down, who makes you question your worth—please know you’re not alone. These attachments can feel unshakable, but they are not unbreakable.  

We deserve more than pain disguised as love. We deserve respect, peace, and safety. Writing this is my way of reminding myself—and maybe reminding you—that we don’t have to stay bound to people who thrive on our suffering.  

If you’re reading this and nodding along, take it as a sign: you are worthy of freedom, of joy, of love that doesn’t hurt.