Some days, it feels like I'm at war. Not a war out in the world, but one raging inside me. It's a battle against depression, a relentless enemy that saps my joy and colors my world gray. It's a fight to stay sober, to keep pushing back against the cravings that threaten to undo everything. But most of all, it's a battle to be the mom my daughters deserve.
The ache of their absence is a constant weight. When I lost custody, it felt like my heart got ripped out. Every day without them is a reminder of my failures, of the times I wasn't strong enough. The guilt and shame are heavy burdens to bear.
But amidst the darkness, there's a flicker of hope. I'm in therapy, slowly making sense of the tangled mess of my emotions. I have good days, days where I catch a glimpse of the woman I could be. I'm attending support groups, finding strength in the stories of others fighting similar battles.
It's a long, hard road. There are setbacks and tears. Some mornings, just getting out of bed feels like a victory. But I won't give up. Not on myself, and definitely not on my girls.
To other moms in the trenches: You are not alone. Even when it feels like the whole world is against you, there are people who understand. You are stronger than you think, more resilient than you can imagine. Keep fighting. For yourself, for your children, for the light waiting on the other side.
If you're struggling:
* National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (or 1-800-273-TALK)
* Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Disclaimer: This post is not a substitute for professional mental health help. Please seek qualified treatment if you're struggling.
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