There are moments in life we’re supposed to hold close forever—the milestones that mark our children’s growth. First steps, first day of school, birthdays, braces, middle school dances, all those “little big” things that add up to a lifetime of memories.
And here I am… missing them. Watching from the sidelines of my own children’s lives. It’s a pain that cuts so deep it feels like failure, like disappointment, like I’ve somehow let them down—even though I know in my soul this separation was forced and unjust. Still, the guilt creeps in, whispering, “You should have been there.”
The truth is, I don’t always know what to do with that kind of heartache. Some days, depression sits heavy on my chest, stealing my breath and convincing me I’ll never climb out of this dark place. I get lost in the “what-ifs.” What if they think I don’t care? What if they forget how much I love them? What if the system wins and these years are just… gone?
I try to fight those thoughts. I remind myself: I am their mother. My love doesn’t expire, it doesn’t fade, and it doesn’t break under distance or silence. But it’s hard. God, it’s so hard. Some nights I just stare at the ceiling, wishing for one more chance to hear their laughter or hold them close.
If you’ve ever missed milestones in your child’s life—whether because of death, distance, or injustice—you know this pain. It’s a unique kind of grief: mourning memories you were supposed to be a part of.
I don’t have all the answers. I stumble through the heartache, I wrestle with depression, and some days I barely feel like I’m standing. But I keep loving. I keep hoping. I keep holding onto the belief that one day, I won’t miss another milestone—that one day, I’ll be there again, cheering them on, watching them shine.
Until then, I write. I cry. I pray. And I remind myself: even in the silence, I’m still their mom. Always.
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✨ Have you ever missed an important milestone in your child’s life? How did you cope with the weight of that grief? Please share your thoughts or words of encouragement in the comments—I’d love to hear from you.
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| Picture of Kaylee (L) and Natilee (R) on their first school day and this year first day school in NY |
